Tomorrow Barack Obama will announce his choice for Vice President. Now, while a lot of speculation has been made as to his choice, most have been stupidly obvious guesses, like an old white guy politician. What people don’t realize is that Obama is a maverick. He’s running a campaign unlike any other before him. He’s not going to settle for anything less than the absolute best running mate ever in the history of mankind. And with that in mind, I present to you my predictions for Barack’s pick:
10. Optimus Prime
If you’re going for leadership, the only one who comes close to Obama is Optimus Prime. He has fearlessly led the Autobots in their endless war against the evil Decepticons for about 80 million years. Despite being an alien artificial life-form from outer-space, he’s all American – Just check out his color scheme. How can you not vote for these guys for president? He also happens to be 10 stories tall. Who’s gonna cross you in hostile negotiations when you have a gigantic fucking robot behind you? NO ONE, that’s who.
9. A Domino’s Oreo Dessert Pizza
We Americans love food, especially foods that cause cancer and heart attacks or anything that will kill you slowly and painfully. And our current infatuation is always the latest abomination from Domino’s, in this case, an ungodly amalgamation of sugar, frosting, sugar, chocolate and more sugar (more on this here…). For those of you who fear that Obama’s health plan will turn us all into thin, good-looking, vegetarian health-nuts, this is the veep pick for you! I’m getting diabetes just looking at this thing, moving on…
If Optimus Prime is too goody-goody for you, then how about a guy who’s face is a skull. Seriously – FUCKING SKELETOR. I know he’s no Dick Cheney, but hey, it’s a start.
7 . A Time-Traveling Delorean from the Future
The Delorean time machine is powered by nuclear fusion for chrissake. Good-Bye Energy Crisis! And any other disasters Obama might ever run into, since he can just go back in time and stop them from happening. I recommend starting with the 2000 Presidential Election.
6. A Sandworm
The sandworms of Arrakis are called “Shai-Hulud” by the native peoples – the Fremen. They worship Shai-Hulud as their god. They’re the size of goddamn skyscrapers. What you lose in people skills, you gain in total bad-assery.
Okay, so a sandworm’s not very likable. Well, then how about Kirby? That’s pure concentrated love-ability oozing from those freakishly huge child-like eyes. No human can resist such a cute creampuff! Kirby’s so powerful, not even a guy who kills cute furry animals for a living could vote against him…er, her…uh, it.
4. The iPhone
The only thing people love more than cute animated characters is the JesusPhone. Speaking of Jesus…
3. Raptor Jesus
I had thought that the perfect running mate would be Velociraptor. But then I realized that there is one thing more awesome than the raptor, and that’s Raptor Jesus (He went extinct for your sins, bye the way). Obama’s critics claim that his followers believe him to be the second coming. Well, why not force those people to eat their words by running with the actual messiah.
Slap that on your car bumper, bitch.
I know what you’re thinking, “How could you possibly top the dinosaur messiah?” Well, I’ve got one hyphenated word for you: Obama-Krang. Krang is an evil disembodied-brain warlord from Dimension-X (“a world of continuous war” – just like Earth 🙂 ) with aspirations of leading an invasion of this dimension with the unstoppable rock-soldier armies of his home dimension. Obama is the junior senator from Illinois with aspirations of forcing hope upon the unsuspecting free world. Together, who knows what vile, hellish and brutal horrors they would unleash?
1. Chuck Norris